User Profile

The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Right before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
Name; Cassiel
Age; 20
Country; presently residing in Reiarn, Jiranz; originally came from a small village somewhere in the south of Jiranz.
What did they lose?: the ability to hide any true emotion, no matter what the consequences
History; Cassiel originally came from a small village in the south of Jiranz, the youngest of a large family of children, forgotten about and relengated to corners most of the time: not because no one cared about him, but because it was so easy to overlook him. It wasn't really a wonder, then, that Cassiel ran away when he was sixteen, seeking something more, a life unbounded by the limitations that living in a small village would have given him, running away to Reiarn.
But things weren't really much better for him in Reiarn, either, despite his change of locale. He had no job, no skills, no money, no friends: he had to eat, had to live somehow. He was intelligent, he was lovely, with an instinctive need to please and comfort those around him, and so he took the only path that was really open to him, with the skills he had.
Cassiel has been a courtesan for four years now, a rather successful one: intelligent, well-read, speaks multiple languages, beautiful, graceful, soft-spoken, basically the perfect companion, for those who had the money and the inclination in such directions. He had perfected the art of hiding what he truly felt, both from others and from himself: before his journal activated, he'd kept one, mainly for writing his true thoughts and feelings in, before tearing the pages out and burning them to ashes, or writing endlessly to try to convince himself that he was happy, despite knowing that deep down inside, that he had only managed to lose himself along the way.
But Cassiel has never truly been happy, whether now or before, and now he can no longer hide it, can no longer hide anything he feels.
He's seen too clearly what he can't be, and he knows that he is lost, and there is no longer hiding it.
Personality; Sad. Very, very, very sad, even though he tried so, so hard for so long to pretend to himself and to the others around him that he was happy. Cassiel has very little self-confidence in himself, and he cares entirely, entirely too much for the people around him, even if they are not worth caring about, even if they don't care about him in return: he is far, far too gentle for his own good, far too used to trying to make the lives of others worthwhile, rather then his own, too used to putting others first, too used to not being selfish, too used to pleasing others, too used to being what others want him to be, and not enough on what *he* wants to be. He is lost, and he is breaking more and more with each day, coming apart right at the seams, because he's seen too clearly what he can't be, that he's lost himself somewhere along the way, and he can no longer deny it, can no longer deny that his whole life was built upon that simple fragile illusion that he can no longer hide behind, that his entire life was founded on the lie that he was happy, that he was happy with the things that he'd done. His entire personality is seemingly made of glass: one wrong move, one wrong breath, and it can all come tumbling down.
Appearance; Cassiel is slim and small, very small, very slight, very pale, with waist-length silver hair that he usually keeps in a braid, and very pale eyes: sometimes, it's almost as if he has been drained of all color, especially combined with his habit of wearing a lot of white. He is very beautiful, in a fragile, delicate, breakable fashion, almost heartbreakingly, hauntingly sad. Before he got the journal, his smiles could hide the despair, the loneliness, the *emptiness* he felt inside: now his smiles, when he does smile, are made of glass, forever on the edge of shattering, forever false, forever a lie. He moves with perfect, drifting grace, though there is always that sense that he has no idea where he is going. (PB: Kai-stern from Dragon Knights. this journal is not real. played by heavensgardener for luna_memoria. Lyrics from Vienna Teng, "The Tower")